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| Charles Lightoller |
For the next several years, God threw everything he had at Charles Lightoller. A tropical storm assaulted him on one ship. A massive coal fire assaulted him on a different ship. He caught malaria. He was the final boss for causes of death, and none of them could figure out how to beat him. So when Harland and Wolff built the most gigantic boat in the world, the Titanic, who else would they hire to be the ship’s second mate? Charles Lightoller banged the universe’s wife, and it was coming after him with everything it had.
As Charles Lightoller sank with the Titanic, he was pinned to the deck by the tremendous suction of a zillion tons of sinking steel. However, instead of getting yanked to the bottom of the sea, the boilers under him exploded, launching him to the surface. With anyone else, that would sound like bullshit. With Charles Lightoller, it only makes us wonder why he wasn’t attacked by a giant squid at the same time. After riding an explosion away from the biggest disaster in naval history, he rallied approximately 30 survivors onto a capsized lifeboat — the very last lifeboat to be found. And, as the last one off that boat, he became the actual final Titanic survivor.
But, Charles Lightoller’s story isn’t over yet — not even close.
After the sinking of the Titanic,Charles Lightoller survived two more goddamn shipwrecks. After a lifetime on the sea, he very nearly destroyed every boat he touched. Charles Lightoller actually found a way to use this power for good in 1918 when he rammed his ship into a German submarine, sinking it and earning a medal. Every single time this man asks, “What’s the worst that could happen?” — everybody within half a mile of him dies, and then he gets an award.